never more so in my entire life have i indulged in every breath [entries|friends|calendar] take a picture. steal me away from here. [ website | jack's defeat ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

this song mostly applies, and the rest i've obviously omitted [27 Oct 2004|06:37am] So I'm just the medicine you take when you're sick. You get well and that's it, I'm put back on the shelf in your mirror. And it isn't exceptional, the course of our fate. People love and they hate and I guess it's just our turn ... Yeah, (i dont want ) you (to be) just some song I wrote, a poem on a page, a sculpture I made out of clay. Desire was the flame. But now you're more of a basketball, ... And you think I'm an asshole now. Well, you're probably right. But at least I'm not blind to the facts I've been wishing were lies. But still I hope you get everything that you care to possess ... with him or anyone of my friends. But just don't ask about my appetite. I didn't lose it tonight, it's been gone half my life. It's just I've been eating for you. -conor oberst 2 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

[24 Oct 2004|10:23pm] i have made a decision to make a decision. this will improve my outlook and for the most part, i will be happy. i will now let out a huge fucking breath. "and then, a feeling. almost as if nothing were ever bound to repeat itself again. as if history had been as masterfully created as the great pyramids and any attempt to reconstruct or relive any given moment would have to stem from an understanding of how the pyramids were built from the top down." -saul williams don't forget to remember

i've always been so good at pretending... [24 Oct 2004|04:31am] this is not fucking easy. this is not fucking easy. this is not fucking easy.this is not fucking easy.this is not fucking easy.this is not fucking easy.this is not fucking easy.this is not fucking easy.this is not fucking easy.this is not fucking easy.this is not fucking easy.this is not fucking easy. i dont see any good end to this. all i see is you in flames and the sky falling and blood. ********************************* dear nightmare, please, i beg of you. please, leave me alone. sincerely, everything that is me. 2 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

[21 Oct 2004|12:15pm] last night, i had a breakdown. i left my friends' house on dicks st. and walked home, not sure if i was heading the right direction or anything of the sort until i found myself in my bathroom, cutting my hair frantically and finally passing out in the shower. when i came to, i was naked on my bed, pretending to be a fetus, wrapped in my comforter and shaking like a dying iceburg. i vaguely remember walking myself from the shower into my room. i laid there for an hour trying to get warm and find my ceiling in the dark. these past few days, i've not been well. i'm sorry if i've ran out on anyone seemingly without reason. i didn't sleep much last night. i stayed up cleaning my room and reading. productive i suppose, but i think i'm going to try to sleep. goodnight, world. 6 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

future gas station attendants [15 Oct 2004|01:23am] take a breath. let it out. take another. take a breath. let it out. take another. take a breath. let it out. don't get depressed. these are my fights. these are my phobias. these are proud words that slipped out of my mouth. (i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.) these are the apologies that i'll forget to make. (i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.) these are the reasons that you will hate me, and i will hate myself. this is the day my lungs turn black. (i guess i should have seen it coming.) this is the day of my impending heart attack. this is another four years i've lost in school. this is another wasted night spent alone. this time my depression will eat itself. this time my depression will eat itself from the inside out. 5 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

the night has fallen down the staircase... [10 Oct 2004|03:51am] goodbye, kyle allender. you were always such a beautiful friend and amazing person. thank you for teaching me how to sing before you left. please forgive me that the first thing i heard of you in nearly four years is that you have died... don't forget to remember

[09 Oct 2004|05:59pm] i feel like i've been punched in the face. seriously, my wisdom teeth are wreaking havoc upon my skull. i'm a freaking mess right now. fever blister. busted up feeling face. possible sinus infection to add to the mix? who knows. i am almost positive that i am dying. but first, i want to write this line down so i dont forget it. The headlines ran, "Man Killed in Taxi Cab After Friends Urged Him to Not Drive Home Drunk." Obviously, the editor of our town's newspaper had a sick sense of comic irony. He was the most interesting person out of the 8,574 people who inhabited this place. I was personally just trying to make it out alive. 1 hand as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

i feel intrinsic. [04 Oct 2004|12:10am] will you come? and what will i say? "oh...i have been so distant...and unhappy" (like i could disappear). when i was a boy, i saw things that no one else could see. so why am i so blind at 21, to the hope that is all around me-- filling up this room. on the road. on my own. waiting for the words to fall from your tongue, into my ears. when i was a boy, i could hear symphonies in seashells. so why am i so deaf at 21, to the sound of the driving snow that drives me home to you. 7 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

[03 Oct 2004|01:24am] every human being contains in them the capacity to be a horrible person. i am a beautiful liar. 3 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

a day in the life of the fall of Man [01 Oct 2004|01:33pm] [ music | shai hulud - let us at last praise the colonizers of dreams ] in the time it took to smoke one cigarette i watched the sun explode upon the morning. to sleep this night seemed not the gallant rhetoric, but to watch the fog retreat, the last burning unthought to man—our last dying breath brought to bear against the whole nonbrilliance of our lives. consoled in finding silent skies, all our lungs heaved whispers of ghosts to lonely eyes. contrast, compare if autumn ends this day all’s left to see the bright beginning’s dawn if nothing’s first create to find the way by mouths that sing to bring the death of all. in Nature’s wake all seemings seem to see the selfless wars to bring new worlds to be. 1 hand as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

i threw away aces, and you showed me dueces. [15 Sep 2004|10:39am] [ mood | i write to remember ] i am a gamble whom no one wishes to take, and i can't blame any of them. cards on the table and the chips were down and i came up short with indecision and longing. there is something restless deep inside this chest. it keeps me running. it keeps me running. send transmission to the one-armed scissor. cut away. cut away. 5 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

[13 Sep 2004|10:44am] last night was fantastically terrifying, and i'll leave it at that. i am about to pass out in this chair. seriously, i just fell asleep sitting here in the computer lab. wish me luck today. 3 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

"i sure miss knowing what you're up to these days..." [11 Sep 2004|11:26pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | 238 ] i must admit that it was good to see you today, and i hope you thoguht the same. all in all, i am much more happy to be a good friend to you than a horrible boyfriend. 5 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

please understand, this is who i am. [07 Sep 2004|02:45pm] [ mood | when you can see right through ] [ music | 28 days later - in the house, in a heartbeat ] i've always been told that you write your best when you write from that spot in your stomach that cringes each time it says something, that keeps your fingers trembling above the keyboard in fearful anxiety of what you'll say to yourself, of what you'll say to the world, that spot that is the most honest spot in your entire being... *********************************************** in a state of inebriated honesty, God whispered, laughed, leaned in, and mistook to me all of life’s littlest secrets, which includes that He doesn’t exist, at least, not in the capacity that anyone here knows Him. and that a tree, with its leaves, is more a miracle than anything of water to wine; Jesus was decided upon by the Romans after all. you can blame the rust-streaked tears of Mother Mary Magdalene on Constantine: he married sins to cities in the end. the world holds responsible his murdered, his widowed. to think that Augustine’s knees bled for nothing. erase all the history books. burn all of your love letters: we are prayers. don’t you see, God is no god. He strives desperately, the streets, stumbling for our hearts, for our souls. He needs us more than we need Him. the blood flowing down His wrists reads, "this is the meaning to life." 1 hand as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

[06 Sep 2004|10:35pm] [ music | rocky votolato - automatic rifle ] may my heart always be open to little birds who are the secrets of living whatever they sing is better than to know and if men should not hear them men are old may my mind stroll about hungry and fearless and thirsty and supple and even if it's sunday may i be wrong for whenever men are right they are not young and may myself do nothing usefully and love yourself so more than truly there's never been quite such a fool who could fail pulling all the sky over him with one smile 1 hand as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

[04 Sep 2004|03:24pm] forget it. i hate drama. i'm erasing that last entry. i just hope this passes soon. i just wish people would stop talking. i just wish i knew who i really was. i just wish i could stop blaming myself for life. i wish i could stop blaming myself for everything. 1 hand as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

[02 Sep 2004|03:23pm] i persecute myself... don't forget to remember

[31 Aug 2004|01:08am] by the way, i'm alive again. 3 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

a better son/daughter [30 Aug 2004|02:12pm] [ music | guns 'n roses - don't cry ] Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move Awake but cannot open my eyes And the weight is crashing down on my lungs, I know I can't breath And hope someone will save me this time And your mother's still calling you insane and high Swearing it's different this time And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her And that God never blessed her insides Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things And crawl back into bed to dream of a time When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because Like the sick and the dying And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on And your friends they sing along and they love you But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap And it teases you for weeks in its absence But you'll fight and you'll make it through You'll fake it if you have to and you'll show up to work with a smile You'll be better and you'll be smarter and more grown up And a better daughter or son and a real good friend And you'll be awake, you'll be alert, you'll be positive though it hurts And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends You'll be a real good listener, you'll be honest, you'll be brave You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful You'll be happy Your ship may be coming in You're weak, but not giving in To the cries and the wails of the valley below And your ship may be coming in You're weak, but not giving in And you'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all of them 2 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

[27 Aug 2004|10:45am] good lord, i cant feel anything but pain from my waist down. you know how long its been since i've had to run a mile? i have to close tonight as well. the girl next to me in this computer lab is typing an entire email in all caps. i want to punch her in the face. 4 hands as drenched as mine | don't forget to remember

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